I don't know if you are anything like me in this respect, but I can't seem to stop beating myself up. Guilt is my biggest self inflicted weapon; guilt that I am not a good daughter, sister, mother, partner, friend, neighbour etc, because of all the things I felt I should have said or done but didn't, or things I said or did, but shouldn't have, as well as things I haven't finished or have put off or never got round to starting, oh and all the things I forgot. Phew, what a number I do on myself!
Now, I do know about self worth. Despite the paragraph above, believe me, I have worked on myself and I am more confident, self loving and content than I have ever been.......but it is such an addictive pattern, I can still slip into that thought stream without realising for a while. So am I really an undeserving, unworthy failure? No! But I am a perfectionist, and that is the real root of this problem.
My perfectionism isn't competitive, at least not with other people, just myself, instead, like many people on a journey of self discovery and spirituality, I want to reveal the "real" me, to peel away the layers and become as close to that divine seed which is in all of us as I can. While that is a worthy aim, nobody's perfect, and trying to achieve that goal can have a negative impact too. There is nothing wrong with not being a perfect enlightened human being, because lets face it, who do you know that is?
The thing about trying to eradicate such tendencies is that we are then left incomplete and we deny ourselves self acceptance. We have a dark side. To try to rid ourselves of it is to deny its gifts and to avoid the lessons that that part of us has to teach. If we had no dark side how would we be able to empathise with the battles and struggles others face? Without the dark how would we recognise the light?
We live an existence of duality. We incarnate into a world of complementary but opposing opposites. We have the core of divinity within us, our guiding light, but we also have freewill, the freedom to make mistakes. Our world is one of night and day, hot and cold, good and bad, but lets not forget twilight, dusk, tepid and all the other shades of grey. It is because we have the ability to make mistakes that we have the ability to learn. Without these lessons, mistakes, our dark side, how could we ever seek to become "enlightened?
The problem with doubt, guilt or anger or other similar mindsets is that your feelings, thoughts, images and resulting actions, moment to moment are what shape your future. You always get more of what you focus on, starting now! For example the more I feel guilty about something, the more the Universe will throw up situations to allow me to feel bad about myself and so it goes on in an ever increasing circle.
The most important step is to recognise your train of thought and the feeling behind it. Then ask your self what is the gift this emotion offers me? If you feel guilty, are you being shown how you would prefer to be, how you would have wanted to do things differently? Did you not follow your intuition. Forgive your self and make amends if that is what is required. Run through your head, visualise how you would like things to have gone instead and resolve to do it differently next time. Then let it go! If you feel angry is it an ego thing, or is your anger justified? Did you express it in the wrong way or did you not express it at all? Are you now smouldering with resentment and confusion? Remember anger can be a hugely destructive force, but anger has its gift. Justified anger can be the impetus for change. Even peaceful protest such as that utilised by Martin Luther King and Gandhi were sparked by justified anger against oppression and exploitation that lead these great leaders to "fight" for change albeit with no violence.
Recognise your negative emotions, try to discern the gift, let it go, and then act upon your revelation. Recognise the darkness in others and try to maintain love and patience with them, for just like we all share the same light so too do we share the same darkness. Their journey is the same as your journey,its just that we are all at different points on the path. Use your darkness to let your light shine ever brighter. Embrace your dark side and love yourself, all of yourself.
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